Pee talk

When I  was younger, like pre-puberty younger, peeing straight was easy. I could pop into the bathroom, pee, flush (maybe...), not wash my hands and leave without ever lifting the seat. It was a no brainer.  I wondered what the big deal with lifting the seat was as I didn't hit the seat so I, naturally, would never lift it.

That all changed though. Now 1/4 of my time in the bathroom is spent cleaning up the mess I made, either on myself or anywhere else really. And this isn't something that's going to get better either, its not like I've got a cold, this is a lifelong problem.

He did this everyday before peeing. 

Everyday billions of men have to go into a bathroom and solve a  new fluid dynamics equation on the fly. I'll tell you why. Semen. As soon as your nuts get the balls to start whipping that stuff up, say goodbye to pee predictability. You see, a guys body makes so much baby batter that we can piss it away, literally. And just by semen's sticky nature, guys get pee pee everywhere.

Now, imagine your bathroom. Think of the toilet in your bathroom. Anything thats withing five feet of that toilet has gotten pee on it. I'm talking five feet above the toilet too. Pee gets everywhere. Which leads me to my next point. The toilet bowl is not equipped for the "stand and pee" move. Urinals are equipped, barely, but more pee gets under those than goes in for some reason. Troughs, however, are great but pigs took those and you can't exactly leave a turd in there. Now, I don't have an answer for what can be done because I'm not a scientist. I don't think up questions and try to find the answer, I just think up questions then stop cause I have to pee.

When a guy pees any number of things can happen; sputtering, sudden change in stream direction, scatter shots, another sudden change in stream direction, or total stoppage followed by a blowout. All this can happen in one piss. If you're like me, you grab a friends towel and clean up what's on the seat, leave, then grab your girlfriend's butt to wipe your hands off. What she mistakes for flirtatiousness is actually nastiness.

B.E.P. was right

I went to Walgreen's last night for Oreo's and saw an item that got me thinking.

I saw a pack of Condoms and I thought how great it would be to leave a bunch around campus in all the labs casting suspicion on all the labby science turds that work there. Then I saw the price of those things. No way was that little plan gonna happen. It would cost me hundreds of dollars and deprive a ton of other people safe sex.

I don't know what this has to do with
anything but when he dies his casket is
going to look like an overstuffed
briefcase. 

Guys and gals are buying these condoms all the time, and this really got me thinking. Why are guys buying condoms? As movies and countless comedians have told us, its the gals that decide whether or not sex is going to happen. Soooo shouldn't it be the women who buy them? I mean girls go to the pharmacy to get birth control, they should get the condo's while they're out.

When you think about it, if a guy grabs a condom while with a girl he met at the club all it says to her is: "I was prepared for you to be a slut." The best part is that the girl appreciates it.

The ladies have got us gentlemen everyone knows it and no one cares because we're all worried about finding Osama.