This title stinks

Every now and again something happens that you have to tell everybody. Today, for me, something happened and I gotta tell err' body in the club.

I was at the T Recs (the gym for UT students) improperly using some workout machine and as I was finishing up this guy approaches. I had already seen him a couple of times eying my machine. This time was no different except... he had a different look. He was hell bent on doing something, he was intense as shit.

But when he got to me he just turned around and stood there looking off into the distance and picked a wedgie. I thought something cool was going to happen like maybe he would talk to me. After standing for about a minute, however,  he left.

Then it hit me. Right up the nose. He farted, big time.

It smelled so bad I thought this is what an act of terrorism must feel like, but since I'm not glued to my TV that couldn't be right. I went through a myriad of emoticons:   :l   :O  :(  X0  8===D   I made my status on Facebook "what the hell" just to get attention.

Which I totally did. Some girl asked
              "lol??? waht's wrong" 
              "this dude totally farted in my mouth like wtf"
              "OMG totes not lulz...tahts phucked"
              "tell me about it bitch"

She thinks I'm gay so I always have to end with "tell me about it bitch" or "pop it GURL!" the latter of which makes zero sense unless she's talking about her acne, backne or buttne.

Anyway the point being, that fart smelled terrible. I'm pretty sure he had just eaten Red Lobster for breakfast cause it smelled like butter biscuits and fish. Mush all that together, let it rot for awhile, blend with butt sweat then you have an idea of what's in my nose.

It was only after the smell was gone that I realized that his intense look was more concern. He was worried that his ass was going to explode and not wanting the blast zone to be in a crowded area, he came to me, the lonely guy humming I'm a Survivor by Destiny's Child. And that picked wedgie as it turns out, was more a cheek spread to silence the fart.

OFFEST

"Its really a tapestry of shit"
     -J Saw, Feb. 2011 on what Offest is.

In a tradition started in 2007 by Bryan and I in my dorm room, every Thursday, friends gather round to watch the comedy on NBC. Besides being paid off by NBC cause this blog is just sooo popular, I thought this would be a great topic to write about...because it's Thursday.

It started small and with one show, The Office, hence the name Offest. Today its a three hour long TV watching, food eating, socializing event. Most everyone has alliances to different shows so people are coming and going.

The run down kinda goes like this:

Alexa: She pops up for The Office and 30 Rock unless she's told cheese is going to be there.

Brett: No allegiance, doesn't watch a thing. He actually dislikes the shows and usually looks down on everyone dubbing us "Corporate fag-bags."

Bryan: Watches it all, usually ends the night with bleeding eyes.

Emma: This baby gurl is loyal for 2.5 hours until "Outsourced", but its not the shows fault she just hates the smell the TV gives off when so many Indian people are on it. I hate that they stand on our TV.

Greg: In and out. Mostly present just to take J Saw's seat and talk about God while people like Bryan are trying to forget Him.

J Saw: Like Bryan, watches it all, but his eyes don't bleed, his anus does. He's constantly digging into the seat with his butt.

Katie:  Same as Alexa but replace "cheese" with "Bryan".

Mason: If he hears about free food he's totally there. He won't sit though, he'll just stand in front of the TV and the front door will be wide open for some reason.

Tommy: Watches the cool shows, while wearing a leather jacket and sitting on his running motorcycle. Revving it up during Tina Fey's lines in 30 Rock.

Now you know that J Saw doesn't know what the literal meaning of tapestry is.

My Valentine's excuse

So I haven't updated in a couple of days because of Valentine's. I wanted to prepare for the worst and since I know girls tend to tear you up more mentally  than physically. So I decided to hot box myself each day for five days until Valentine's.

Side note: "Hot boxing" is taking a shower directly after someone poops...my definition.
Side note part 2: Don't Google image "Hot Boxing" cause it gets real gay around page 3.

In the end I didn't need to because Emma (my REAL girlfriend) believed my "hot boxing makes you forget balentimes day" excuse.   She did get angry at "balentimes" though, and called me out on sounding like an immigrant child. Which brings me to the topic of today: Love....

I had to search "weed hippie weed"
to find this.

JK


I'm not a bisexual weed chomping hippie so I won't be talking about love unless it's about how love's become the longest battle of the sexes game in history.

Well, thats it for me. I know I didn't get anywhere today but I feel accomplished. (insert political joke here)

Dragon Ball Z is cooler than a lot of the people I hang out with

So after the whole roommates profile thing, I was supposed to find something substantial to write this blog about. I didn't. I spent more time trying to find a job than worrying about this blog. I even let Bryan have a guest spot which makes me think "am I tired of this already?"

The answer? You'll have to come back tomorrow to find out.

Today though, I want to talk about Dragon Ball Z. I'll tell you why. Bryan asked my what one of my favorite cartoons was as a child. I thought for a few seconds and said I liked the early Rugrats. As I was saying this Bryan was loading up a video of the DBZ intro on Youtube. Then Bryan, found this crazy website from the 90's all about it. By now I know I've lost a vast majority of you just by mentioning DBZ and I don't care cause I'm almost done anyway.

I regretted saying Rugrats almost immediately because I realized when I was trying my hand a drawing in late middle school I didn't draw Tommy Pickles, I drew Goku.

And I drew him A LOT, but I didn't draw well enough for people to label me weird.

Notice the awesome part.

Bryan's writing this

Today is a guest blog spot. After I totally burned all my roommates with the truth Bryan decided (post suicide attempt) to burn my ass.  Here. We. Go.



THOMAS "YOU'D ONLY KNOW HE'S HALF LATINO BY THIS MIDDLE NAME" OLER

Tommy's best "George Lopez"...seriously.

 
        







          

     You might be wondering, how can I effectively write in a blog conducted by a guy who has claimed that he's this generation's Jack Chick?  Well, by promising to stay true to his exact format, of course.  DUH!

Sex:  M
Orientation:  He has a shirt of this guy.  You be the judge.
Age:  He seriously hasn't aged since, like, forever.  I think he's one of those guys from Highlander.  To add to my suspicion, he's always telling me that he has to go and, "polish his sword".
Race:  Half n' Half, I guess.  So, that means that his parents conceiving him was probably pretty close to this.
Fave Pastime:  Collecting six pack rings all winter and then taking them to boat ramps all over East Tennessee in the spring.  I don't quite know what he does there, but he always comes back quacking like a crying duck and then laughing hysterically.


What He Likes in a Woman:   Himself!

BUDDABING!!

Catchphrase:  Don't be ridiculous.  He doesn't have one.  
Biggest Mistake:  Thinking that the show Two and a Half Men was actually a spinoff of the film Platoon.  
Favorite Song:  I don't really know.  But he has a lot of musician friends, and every time he sees one of them, he asks, "Hey can you play this?" Before they have time to answer he says emphatically, "No, you can't! Because you're too afraid to!"  He then proceeds to put on a pair of overpriced sunglasses, slams the apartment door, and goes out for a Pepsi cola.  

Tommy.  Post-Pepsi Cool-Down.

On MySpace:  He told me that MySpace was for conformists and then signed on to Facebook the next day.

Well, that's Tommy in a nutshell.  I hope that you, the reader, have a better idea of the guy you're deciding to found an occult for now.  I was as objective as possible and surprisingly less vulgar than I thought I would be.  Now I'm off to celebrate!


 

              








                                                            

Greg is like 40 years old, he can so buy you beer

When asked what his
favorite butt plug was
Greg gladly showed it.

In my final roommate profile I've got Greg. G-dog is like a wine that doesn't get better with age, so I guess he's more like milk.

Sex: M, he's way too muscular to be female. If he was a woman though he'd be just right for J Saw.
Orientation: Closet heterosexual.
Age: Methuselah performed his circumcision so what does that tell you.
Race: Cracka
Fav pastime: Taking showers. I honestly think he only works out and does Judo and Jiu-Jitsu just for the shower after.
What he likes in a woman: I don't know, I don't think he likes women.
Catchphrase: Usually says "That's weird" after something that's completely normal such as: drinking milk out of the bowl after finishing cereal instead of putting it in the trash, watching popular movies, not talking about God, or being awake.
Biggest Mistake: Not learning what the word "weird" means.
Favorite Song: Its not really a song but he likes the CD commercial for all those Christian songs. Its the one where all the people have their hands in the air.
on Myspace?: Actually he's not...weird, I know.

Alright that's it. No more after this, I'm moving on now.

Mason phrom Memphis

Mason, not drunk at all.

I met Mason last year. He's an alright guy I guess. He just never seems to be around when the other roommates and I are trying to figure out who clogged the toilet after trying to flush the Kotex pads they just used to wipe.

Sex: M
Orientation: He's so straight it's a little gay.
Age: 17?!
Race: He's that kind of white that uses all the advantages of being white. I know that's a real color too because I've been using it as an infiltration technique for years.
Fav Pastime: Kicking things, punching things, spitting on things, rubbing on things, slapping things, pointing at Asians, not using the internet, and making a mess.
What he likes in a woman: "Tits, man."
Catchphrase: "Tits, man."
Biggest Mistake: He started baking a pan of 40 pizza rolls at 2 a.m. and fell asleep. Everyone awoke to the smell of smoke only to find that someone had burned J Saw's pizza rolls. Obviously J Saw was blamed and has been stuffing skid marked Kotex down the toilets and blaming Mason ever since. Just so you understand this, J Saw has been pooping, then wiping with Kotex pads, out of spite.
Favorite Song: Some weird shit no one likes nor cares to ask him about and Linkin Park. (click that link if you want to see something more dumb than anything I've written here.)
on MySpace?: a doi. He uses it mostly to look at black girls with thick, THICK, legs.

Brett isn't from Ohio, Ohio is from Brett

Sunburn on a typical
winter day

Brett is the only friend I have that is from out of state. JK he's not my friend. His choice mostly. All the Ginger Genocide jokes seem to fall on deaf ears. Anyway here's his profile.

Sex: M
Orientation: Straight, but don't put him in a room alone with J Saw cause he starts to hear this in his head.
Age: 21, looks older though because of the scorched earth policy the Sun has with his face.
Race: Ginger

Double pointing at the two
men who stole their shirts.

Fav Pastime: He would tell you Soccer but I'm going to tell you it's throwing bread rolls filled with mustard at old people and kids while yelling "Eat what you smell like!"
What he likes in a woman: I actually asked him the other day. The convo went a little like this:
TOM: "Brett, I bet you would love a smart woman, huh?"
BRETT: "You know Tommy, I would. It's too bad there aren't any like that."
Then we laughed for hours before I tucked him into the slime pod all Ohioan's come in.
Catchphrase: "Get head or get money." Which, by the way, he writes in blood on the upstairs bathroom every night, but whats worse is he denies it each night with his second catchphrase; "If I did it then why do my genitalia have puncture wounds?" Thats when I turn away real fast cause he rips off his tear-away pants.
Biggest Mistake: He head butted this Asian girl for saying "Caveat emptor" after having an abortion. Ever since China has been buying American bonds just waiting for us to renege on the payback...dammit Brett.
Fav Song: He LOVES Roberta Gold
on MySpace?: Not since Tom and him had a falling out after Brett created UrFace. The website that lets you upload your friends profiles giving the creator the power to make his own friends and literally become God. That last bit sounds like a stretch but ask yourself, who answers "what?" after you've said "Jesus!"

J Saw: He was totally arrested once.

Seeing as this is an ongoing series that I started with my second post, it should go on then right.

Anyway, Jordan, or as people in my circle call him, "J Saw", has known me for awhile but that doesn't mean he's any better than Bryan. He may actually be worse, well his pictures are anyway.

J Saw after being photo shopped in to ruin a perfectly good photo.

I could go on for hours showing picture after terrible picture but if I do J Saw won't lick doorknobs for me when he's sick anymore.

Sex: M, although he's been writing "yes please!" on his scantrons for years.
Orientation: Straight, unless you question it or make him an offer with your butt. (males only)
Age: 22...maybe
Race: Aryan
Fav Pastime: Plays "Clue Jr." alone a lot, and a game he made called "Poop" in his room...also alone.
What he likes in a woman: He likes the part when he finds out they're a man.

J Saw being a Muppet.

Catchphrase: "I would assume..." followed by something that no one should assume like: "...your fathers stool is much less bloodier than mine.", "...black people didn't have to fear the Nazi's." , "...once we've domesticated women, like we did cats and dogs, their periods will stop, just like cats and dogs."
Biggest Mistake: Tried to invent the Dillinger Condom for extra small men. When asked why he wanted to invent it, his answer to the question started with the phrase: "Men like myself..."
Favorite Song: Its more a favorite album which is "NOW Thats What I Call Music Volume 1". Also claims the NOW series sold out after that.
on Myspace?: Yeah, he likes the gaudiness and urban Hispanic people.

Thats all on J Saw. You now know everything you need to know about Jordan to ask him out and make him happy forever.

BryaBoobGoku

Bryan is on his period.

<--- This is Bryan here. He's one of my roommates/friends or whatever.

I took all day trying to figure out what to write today. I decided that putting a picture of one of my friends and detailing his stats like a baseball card would be totally fine. Then I decided that doing this for each of my roommates would be a great way to eat up the days until I figure out something cool to do.

Sex: M
Orientation: Not sure either way. Its more of a R.L. Stine choose your scare adventure book.
Age: 22 going on 60
Race: He lucked out and gets to put "White" on his TCAPS
Fav Pastime: "Steppen on PUZZZY!"
What he Likes in a Woman: He likes the period blood part.
Catchphrase: "If you wanna make my panty drop you better make that titty pop! BITCH!!"
Biggest Mistake: He called this black kid a Jew for not paying a full dollar for a Skittles at the concession stand. Then looked at the mother and said: "What I didn't say he was acting niggardly." 
Favorite Song: Its a tie between this and this.
on MySpace?:  Obviously. When buying tickets for "The Social Network" he said: "Two for that Myspace movie, Tom's a cutie."

Well thats it. Tomorrow I'll give another entirely true profile of one of my other roommates.