"Marry the Night" is about taking a Shit

You're not a baby. Eat the damn Cherrios. Wait, your name is Gaga isn't it.

     Yes, I know I haven't done this in a while, I can explain.  I won't though, we're going to table that noise.  I'll come back to it in a future post, or not, no one's reading this anyway.
     Right now let's talk about a song that's been out for awhile now.  "Marry the Night", I've heard it a few times, on the radio and youtube.
     If you listen, it sounds fairly straight forward; some dumb bitch gets ready and goes out to party her brains out, and if she's lucky some guy sprays his Cherrios all over her face and shoulder.

     Well, that shizz is all wrong. If you didn't read the title then spoiler alert!!

"Marry the Night" is about taking a shit!

This was not hard to find at all.

I'm right and I'll prove it by breaking down the lyrics of the song. Read and learn y'all. 

THE LYRICS

     Here we go guys. First off, I got these lyrics off of some faggot lyric website. One of those one's that I'm pretty sure is just for teenage girls and young boys experimenting a little too freely with emoticons.

     Anyway, lets look at the first set.

I'm gonna marry the night

I won't give up on life

I'm a warrior queen

Live passionately tonight

So "marry the night" means taking a dump. Right off the bat we know she's needs to hit the bricks. The next three lines are all about how bad this dump is. She's not going to give up her plans because of this shit. Gaga's gotta get out and live her life. 

I'm gonna marry the dark

Gonna make love to the stark

I'm a soldier to my own emptiness

I am a winner

She's going to fill up the bowl, and empty her bowels and she'll feel just like new!

She looks like what her song means.

I'm gonna marry the night

I'm gonna marry the night

I'm gonna marry the night

I'm gonna marry the night

I'm not gonna cry anymore

I'm gonna marry the night

Leave nothing on these streets to explore

m-m-marry m-m-marry m-m-marry the night

oh m-m-marry m-m-marry m-m-marry the night

     So right here Lady is seriously peeing out of her butt. It's painful but she's not gonna cry about it, and when she's done, they'll be nothing left inside. 

     The rest of the song, as you now know, is very artsy toilet humor. The video for the song is worse than shit. LG really has the last laugh because the video is the product of the lyrics. She writes about taking a shit, then shows it to us for 14 minutes. Watch and tell me you don't agree. 

TL;DR, Fuck you. 

     

Pee talk

When I  was younger, like pre-puberty younger, peeing straight was easy. I could pop into the bathroom, pee, flush (maybe...), not wash my hands and leave without ever lifting the seat. It was a no brainer.  I wondered what the big deal with lifting the seat was as I didn't hit the seat so I, naturally, would never lift it.

That all changed though. Now 1/4 of my time in the bathroom is spent cleaning up the mess I made, either on myself or anywhere else really. And this isn't something that's going to get better either, its not like I've got a cold, this is a lifelong problem.

He did this everyday before peeing. 

Everyday billions of men have to go into a bathroom and solve a  new fluid dynamics equation on the fly. I'll tell you why. Semen. As soon as your nuts get the balls to start whipping that stuff up, say goodbye to pee predictability. You see, a guys body makes so much baby batter that we can piss it away, literally. And just by semen's sticky nature, guys get pee pee everywhere.

Now, imagine your bathroom. Think of the toilet in your bathroom. Anything thats withing five feet of that toilet has gotten pee on it. I'm talking five feet above the toilet too. Pee gets everywhere. Which leads me to my next point. The toilet bowl is not equipped for the "stand and pee" move. Urinals are equipped, barely, but more pee gets under those than goes in for some reason. Troughs, however, are great but pigs took those and you can't exactly leave a turd in there. Now, I don't have an answer for what can be done because I'm not a scientist. I don't think up questions and try to find the answer, I just think up questions then stop cause I have to pee.

When a guy pees any number of things can happen; sputtering, sudden change in stream direction, scatter shots, another sudden change in stream direction, or total stoppage followed by a blowout. All this can happen in one piss. If you're like me, you grab a friends towel and clean up what's on the seat, leave, then grab your girlfriend's butt to wipe your hands off. What she mistakes for flirtatiousness is actually nastiness.

B.E.P. was right

I went to Walgreen's last night for Oreo's and saw an item that got me thinking.

I saw a pack of Condoms and I thought how great it would be to leave a bunch around campus in all the labs casting suspicion on all the labby science turds that work there. Then I saw the price of those things. No way was that little plan gonna happen. It would cost me hundreds of dollars and deprive a ton of other people safe sex.

I don't know what this has to do with
anything but when he dies his casket is
going to look like an overstuffed
briefcase. 

Guys and gals are buying these condoms all the time, and this really got me thinking. Why are guys buying condoms? As movies and countless comedians have told us, its the gals that decide whether or not sex is going to happen. Soooo shouldn't it be the women who buy them? I mean girls go to the pharmacy to get birth control, they should get the condo's while they're out.

When you think about it, if a guy grabs a condom while with a girl he met at the club all it says to her is: "I was prepared for you to be a slut." The best part is that the girl appreciates it.

The ladies have got us gentlemen everyone knows it and no one cares because we're all worried about finding Osama.

This title stinks

Every now and again something happens that you have to tell everybody. Today, for me, something happened and I gotta tell err' body in the club.

I was at the T Recs (the gym for UT students) improperly using some workout machine and as I was finishing up this guy approaches. I had already seen him a couple of times eying my machine. This time was no different except... he had a different look. He was hell bent on doing something, he was intense as shit.

But when he got to me he just turned around and stood there looking off into the distance and picked a wedgie. I thought something cool was going to happen like maybe he would talk to me. After standing for about a minute, however,  he left.

Then it hit me. Right up the nose. He farted, big time.

It smelled so bad I thought this is what an act of terrorism must feel like, but since I'm not glued to my TV that couldn't be right. I went through a myriad of emoticons:   :l   :O  :(  X0  8===D   I made my status on Facebook "what the hell" just to get attention.

Which I totally did. Some girl asked
              "lol??? waht's wrong" 
              "this dude totally farted in my mouth like wtf"
              "OMG totes not lulz...tahts phucked"
              "tell me about it bitch"

She thinks I'm gay so I always have to end with "tell me about it bitch" or "pop it GURL!" the latter of which makes zero sense unless she's talking about her acne, backne or buttne.

Anyway the point being, that fart smelled terrible. I'm pretty sure he had just eaten Red Lobster for breakfast cause it smelled like butter biscuits and fish. Mush all that together, let it rot for awhile, blend with butt sweat then you have an idea of what's in my nose.

It was only after the smell was gone that I realized that his intense look was more concern. He was worried that his ass was going to explode and not wanting the blast zone to be in a crowded area, he came to me, the lonely guy humming I'm a Survivor by Destiny's Child. And that picked wedgie as it turns out, was more a cheek spread to silence the fart.

OFFEST

"Its really a tapestry of shit"
     -J Saw, Feb. 2011 on what Offest is.

In a tradition started in 2007 by Bryan and I in my dorm room, every Thursday, friends gather round to watch the comedy on NBC. Besides being paid off by NBC cause this blog is just sooo popular, I thought this would be a great topic to write about...because it's Thursday.

It started small and with one show, The Office, hence the name Offest. Today its a three hour long TV watching, food eating, socializing event. Most everyone has alliances to different shows so people are coming and going.

The run down kinda goes like this:

Alexa: She pops up for The Office and 30 Rock unless she's told cheese is going to be there.

Brett: No allegiance, doesn't watch a thing. He actually dislikes the shows and usually looks down on everyone dubbing us "Corporate fag-bags."

Bryan: Watches it all, usually ends the night with bleeding eyes.

Emma: This baby gurl is loyal for 2.5 hours until "Outsourced", but its not the shows fault she just hates the smell the TV gives off when so many Indian people are on it. I hate that they stand on our TV.

Greg: In and out. Mostly present just to take J Saw's seat and talk about God while people like Bryan are trying to forget Him.

J Saw: Like Bryan, watches it all, but his eyes don't bleed, his anus does. He's constantly digging into the seat with his butt.

Katie:  Same as Alexa but replace "cheese" with "Bryan".

Mason: If he hears about free food he's totally there. He won't sit though, he'll just stand in front of the TV and the front door will be wide open for some reason.

Tommy: Watches the cool shows, while wearing a leather jacket and sitting on his running motorcycle. Revving it up during Tina Fey's lines in 30 Rock.

Now you know that J Saw doesn't know what the literal meaning of tapestry is.

My Valentine's excuse

So I haven't updated in a couple of days because of Valentine's. I wanted to prepare for the worst and since I know girls tend to tear you up more mentally  than physically. So I decided to hot box myself each day for five days until Valentine's.

Side note: "Hot boxing" is taking a shower directly after someone poops...my definition.
Side note part 2: Don't Google image "Hot Boxing" cause it gets real gay around page 3.

In the end I didn't need to because Emma (my REAL girlfriend) believed my "hot boxing makes you forget balentimes day" excuse.   She did get angry at "balentimes" though, and called me out on sounding like an immigrant child. Which brings me to the topic of today: Love....

I had to search "weed hippie weed"
to find this.

JK


I'm not a bisexual weed chomping hippie so I won't be talking about love unless it's about how love's become the longest battle of the sexes game in history.

Well, thats it for me. I know I didn't get anywhere today but I feel accomplished. (insert political joke here)

Dragon Ball Z is cooler than a lot of the people I hang out with

So after the whole roommates profile thing, I was supposed to find something substantial to write this blog about. I didn't. I spent more time trying to find a job than worrying about this blog. I even let Bryan have a guest spot which makes me think "am I tired of this already?"

The answer? You'll have to come back tomorrow to find out.

Today though, I want to talk about Dragon Ball Z. I'll tell you why. Bryan asked my what one of my favorite cartoons was as a child. I thought for a few seconds and said I liked the early Rugrats. As I was saying this Bryan was loading up a video of the DBZ intro on Youtube. Then Bryan, found this crazy website from the 90's all about it. By now I know I've lost a vast majority of you just by mentioning DBZ and I don't care cause I'm almost done anyway.

I regretted saying Rugrats almost immediately because I realized when I was trying my hand a drawing in late middle school I didn't draw Tommy Pickles, I drew Goku.

And I drew him A LOT, but I didn't draw well enough for people to label me weird.

Notice the awesome part.